


Moving Pains

by NojoTurbo



Category: Original Work
Genre: Comedy, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Vampires
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:35:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26208040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NojoTurbo/pseuds/NojoTurbo
Summary: Three vampires look for a new home after they realize their current one is in shambles.





	Moving Pains

**Author's Note:**

> This honestly came to me in a dream so I'm sorry if it's not a very engaging plot lmao

“We need to find a new house.” Cornelius says out of the blue in between sips of his first coffee.

Claude sighs and lowers his newspaper. He stares at Cornelius from the other side of the kitchen table. “No we don’t.” he says bluntly.

“Can’t you at least hear me out first?”

Claude folds and puts down his newspaper. “Fine, I’ll humor you. Why do you think we need a new place?”

“Are you kidding me?” Cornelius’s voice rises in inflection. “This house was outdated in the 19th century when we found it! Sure we’ve done our best to upgrade it through the years, but it’s the 21st century now! This old shack isn’t going to hold up much longer.”

“You’re just overreacting.” Claude scoffs. 

“Yeah,” adds Cassius. “Sure it might not be the prettiest sight, but this old gal still has some fight in her!” Cassius walks from the stove to the table where the other two are sitting. “Anyways, breakfast is ready!”

Cassius places down two plates of food… or at least, that’s what they used to be. The “food” on the plates is so burnt beyond recognition, Cornelius can only identify them as eggs because he personally saw Cassius crack them.

Neither Cornelius nor Claude say anything out of fear of hurting Cassius’s feelings. Instead, they pick up their respective plates and set them in front of themselves, dreading the sensations that await them.

A small stifled laugh escapes from Cassius’s lips, which quickly grows into his usual fit of chuckles. “You guys are too much!” He says amidst a sea of giggles. He stands up and takes the two plates away from Cornelius and Claude. “You weren’t really going to eat that just to spare my feelings, were you?”

“N-No, of course not!” Cornelius says with a relieved smile on his face. “We were just playing along. Right, Claude?”

“Y-Yeah…”

“The eggs weren’t good anymore so I thought I’d have a little fun with you two.” Cassius says as he forcefully scrapes the burnt mush into the trash.

“Ha!” Cornelius shouts. “I bet you those eggs went bad because of that dreadfully old fridge! It can hardly keep anything cold!” 

“It’s not that Cornelius. We got those eggs a while ago anyways.” Claude says dismissively.

“Yeah, a few bad eggs aren’t worth finding a new house over.” Cassius agrees. “Now, how about some cereal instead?”

Cornelius sighs. “Fine. Maybe I am overthinking things. Cereal sounds good, Cass.”

“Coming right up!”

As Cassius opens the fridge to get the milk, Claude looks to Cornelius to get his attention.

“Why are you so eager to look for flaws in our house?” Claude asks. “You know how hard we had to search to find this one. It’s not like we can get a realtor and buy another one legitimately.”

“I know, I know.” Cornelius replies. “I just want what’s best for us, and right now I think what’s best would be a new place to live.”

“Oh come on, Cornelius. It’s not that bad.”  
“Oh really? When it rains the roof leaks, there are no doors on the cabinets because they all fell off their hinges, we get maybe three minutes of hot water a day, and when it gets windy the house shakes! God forbid if there’s a big enough storm the whole place will get blown away! The bottom line is, it’s just not safe here anymore.”

“I get it, I just don’t think there’s any sense in hoping for a second miracle when two of us are still satisfied with the first one.”

“Well, I guess as long as I’m outvoted I should just bite my tongue.” Cornelius says with a hint of bitterness.

“That would be for the best, yes.”

“Uh… guys?” Cassius pipes up. “The milk went sour.”

“I knew it! We just got that milk a few days ago! There’s no way it should’ve gone bad already!” Cornelius barks.

“Hmm, I see your point but… Wouldn’t it be more logical to simply get a new fridge?” Cassius questions as he throws the spoiled milk away.

“With what money?” Cornelius asks. “Our night jobs hardly cover the costs of food; getting a new fridge is out of the question! Add that to all the other problems this old dump has and it’s clear we need to get out of here.”

“So what, we’re going to pray and hope to find a fully furnished abandoned house? That’s going to be in better shape than this one? With the power still on? That nobody else wants? That’s going to be harder to find than a needle in a haystack.” Claude bickers. “We have a good thing here. Sure there are some problems, but we shouldn’t get our hopes up for something that likely doesn’t exist.”

“Give me three days.” Cornelius says confidently.

“Huh?”

“Give me three days to find the perfect house. If I don’t find it by then, I’ll drop the subject forever.”

“You really think you can find something that fits all our needs? In that little time?” Claude asks pessimistically.

“You know what? I say we let him.” Cassius says. “He raises a lot of good points. If he can find a suitable place, I don’t see the harm in moving.”

Claude sighs. “Seems like I’m outnumbered now... Fine, I’ll bite. Find us the perfect place and I won’t object to moving.”

“Great!” Cornelius shouts as he gets up from his seat. “I’ll go looking right now! I have a good hunch of where I should start too…”

Two uneventful days follow. Nothing remarkable at all happens. Cornelius spends all the following nights outside, seemingly scouting out new possible homes. He comes home, says nothing about where he’s been, or if he’s made any progress. He simply acts as he normally would, with no mention at all of a new house. Whenever asked by either Claude or Cassius, he replies with nothing more than “I’m working on it” and nothing more.

Finally, on the last day of their bet, Cornelius comes home once again. He sits down on the couch and closes his eyes. Claude, hearing the sound of the front door closing, comes out of his room and sits down next to Cornelius.

“So,” Claude starts. “Any good news? You only have a few more hours before your three days are up.”

A moment of silence passes before a smile cracks on Cornelius’s face. He opens his eyes and looks at Claude. “I found it.”

Claude’s eyes widen in moderate surprise. “Oh yeah?”

“Yep. Go get Cass and we’ll go see it.”

After waking up their sleeping friend, the three pile into their car and begin driving to their destination.

After what seems to be hours, they arrive at a shoddy looking mansion placed atop a massive hill overlooking the small, faraway town. The ambiance is dreadful and the decay is palpable. Placed in the front window of the mansion is a sign, barely legible under all the cobwebs, that reads “FOR SALE”.

As the car slowly rolls up the driveway, everyone is silent. 

Claude’s face reflects how he feels, it’s a third of disgust at the spectacle he’s witnessing, a third of pride in knowing he was right, and the rest is disappointment at a night wasted.

Cassius, who is eagerly leaning forward between the driver and passenger seats, is filled with a sense of bewildered excitement. Unlike Claude, he’s able to see past the grime and muck and appreciates how large and tall this building is. He’s never seen such a grand looking house in person before and he’s absolutely joyous that he might have the chance to go inside.

Cornelius is filled with pride, the same pride as one would have when showing off their latest work of art. To show his companions the fruit of his labor is the most prideful he’s ever felt. “So? What do you guys think?” he asks.

Claude is at a loss for words. He looks the building up and down several times trying to compose the correct words to describe it. “It’s uhh…”

“Great!” Cassius erupts from the back seat.

“Yeah… great…”

The car stops and the three men exit. The creaky wooden floorboards screech and squeal as they make their way up the steps to the front door. The door’s hinges emit a horribly loud sound as Cornelius slowly opens it. The dust in the air makes it almost hard to breathe, and it’s at this point that Claude thanks god he doesn’t have any allergies.

Once fully inside, Cassius looks around in amazement; it’s almost bigger than it seemed to be on the outside. With a new room or staircase everywhere he looked, Cassius can hardly contain himself and tries to suppress the urge to run and explore everything he can. “This is crazy, Cornelius! Is this really where we’re going to live?” he asks.

“Yep!” Cornelius says, hands on his hips and chest puffed out. “I’m sure Claude here is going to barrage me with questions, so go ahead and explore as much as you want!”

Cassius gasps and after a reassuring nod from Claude, runs off into the adjacent room.

“Alright.” Cornelius turns his attention to Claude. “Go ahead and ask.”

Claude sighs. “First off: this place isn’t abandoned; It’s clearly for sale. How do we know no one’s going to buy it and find us here?”

“There are three answers to that. One: It’s been for sale for 10 years. If no one’s claimed this huge house by then no one will. Two: Look at this place, it’s a dump from the outside. It’s not as bad inside, but no one in their right mind would take a second look at this place. Three: And don’t tell Cassius this but, rumor has it the old owner died in a mysterious accident. That drives the value waaaay down.”

Claude furrows his brow. He hates to admit it but Cornelius did a decent job finding this place. “Ok, fine. What about power? If this place has been abandoned for so long I doubt the city would care enough to keep it on.”

“There’s a generator out back that’s big enough to power this place and then some. With that, we can also skip any power bills and use that money towards gas for the generator.”

“Ok. What about appliances? That was one of the big factors in moving out, to begin with.”

“They are old, however, 10-year-old appliances are miles better than what we were working with. Not the optimal solution I know, but it’s something.”

Claude raises his hand to his chin and cups it, rubbing and scratching his face. He paces around looking at every inch of the main entryway trying to think of more questions. Just then, he notices something, something up in the corner of the ceiling. He walks over to investigate and as he gets closer, he sees what appears to be a spider, a comically large spider that’s not moving. Upon closer inspection, it is, in fact, a toy. Not only that, Claude discovers that the cobwebs plastered all over the room are also fake, cloth renditions of the real thing.

Claude grabs a handful of the cloth and turns around to face Cornelius. “Is there some slight thing you’re forgetting to mention?”

Cornelius’s eyes dart around to avoid Claude’s steely gaze.

“Cornelius?” Claude says in an expecting tone.

“Ohhh fine. The old owner was an… eccentric man. One with abundant love for a specific holiday… That holiday being Halloween.”

“Don’t tell me...”

Cornelius sighs. “Yes, this place used to be a haunted house for kids.” He says in a blunt tone.

Claude’s hands drop to his sides. “And you weren’t going to tell us?”

“As a matter of fact, no. I wasn’t.”

“I’m leaving.” Claude says as he heads towards the door.

“Oh, come on!” Cornelius shouts as he gets between Claude and the door. “It’s inconsequential! What does it change?”

“Don’t you think it’s just the slightest bit demeaning to live in an attraction made for children?”

“I don’t see your point.” Cornelius says, tilting his head, genuinely confused.

“Move.”

“No! Come on, can’t we just give it a chance? Do you know what I was doing those three days? Cleaning this place! I swear, you won’t even know it used to be a haunted house!”

“Then what about this toy spider?” Claude asks, holding it up.

“I uh… thought it was cute so I left it…”

“And these cobwebs?”

“Well he needs a place to live, doesn’t he?”

“Let me out.”

“Ok, fine! So I missed a few corners! Can’t we at least try to stay here?”

Claude takes a deep breath and with his exhale whispers: “Fine.”

“Yes!” Cornelius exclaims in content joy.

“But I swear, if I see anything bigger than this spider that you missed, I’m leaving. Deal?” Claude extends a hand, wanting to seal the deal with a shake.

“Fair enough!” Cornelius grabs his hand and shakes it.

“Hey, guys!” Cassius’s voice rings out through a doorway nearby. “Look what I found in a closet!” Jumping around the corner, Cassius appears holding a human-sized plastic skeleton. “Ain’t he cute?” He giggles.

Through gritted teeth, Claude mutters: “I’ll ignore that one.”


End file.
